I’m going to start off the Irish Adventure blogs with this little beauty. It’s not an insightful post about breathe taking views along the M6 but a cracker of a story about some of our fellow coach buddies. This is the tale of feet, fights and frustration.
Just our luck that the day we had booked our coach was actually the hottest day of the year so far. We stood melting at the bus terminal, desperately wanting to board the bus so we could find relief from the heat with the air conditioning. Sadly the AC was warm and pitiful. It was like having a Labrador gently pant on your face. When I say face, the AC controls wouldn’t actually span to reach where a person’s face would be, but just fell on to the top of the seat in front. It was going to be a long and stuffy coach ride for sure.
Now the girl behind me decided that the best way to pass the time on this long 8 hour journey would be to chat loudly to her mum on the phone right behind my face. Constantly kicking the back of my chair as she wriggled around in her uncomfortable seat. That’s when it appeared. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move in through the small gap at the side of me. Nudging my elbow with such stealth. It was…this girl’s bare sweaty foot! AAHHHHHhhhh cringe!
I just stared at it, her toes wriggling with the freedom from her shoes. My whole body just slid towards Nick, pressed against him I just couldn’t look away. Like a deer caught in the headlights. My eyes wide, I didn’t want to take my eyes of it in case it came closer. Luckily my announcement of disgust to Nick must have been overheard by this foot’s owner and it quickly whipped back to the personal space where it belonged never to be seen again. Phew! I can’t stand my own feet let alone other people’s and on hot sweaty days it’s even worse! Ew!
I thought the foot saga was over, however that was just the beginning. Let me introduce to Constable Dry. This older gentleman was American and resembled a teenage skater. I think he felt so at home in this oven on wheels that he decided to hang his sweaty socks on the back of the chair in front, turning them every so often to get maximum airing. If this wasn’t grim enough, he then pulled out a mini first aid kit, brought one of his feet on to his lap and worked away at his nails and blisters. Awwww come on, seriously! I shrank in my seat, keeping myself well within my chair comfort zone, praying that no foot remains would fly off in my direction.
Nick had warned me when we queued for the bus that last time he was on one of these cheap coaches that there were a lot of “interesting” people on board. Now the true stars of the coach show were two lovely girls who we named Hulk and Yan. We both knew they would be entertaining coach companions when they barged their way through the isle to the back seats carrying a massive crate of cider and a big bottle of cheap plonk. A couple of hours in you could hear that the alcohol was taking affect. As they chatted loudly to each other, we couldn’t help but listen. Well they didn’t really give us much choice. They bickered about past fights with each other and started blaming each other for the way they act after one too many Lambrinis. The bickering soon turned into arguing. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up having a full blown fight” I said to Nick. But they soon quietened down and carried on consuming their beverages.
Our first stop was to be in Manchester, to drop some people off and to pick up new people who were heading for the ferry. We were about half an hour away when Yan started yelling from the back to the driver. “Stop this bus, I want a fag!” “You can’t keep us on here forever” “Why aren’t you going to Manchester, are you a fucking idiot?” These rants continued for a good 10 mins before she decided to wake up a passed out Hulk. Scuffling and yelling could then be heard from the back. As everyone turned around, we were all faced with a full blown fight. Yan was leaning over Hulk and laying into her. Hulk was positioned on her back and was driving her foot straight into the chest and face of Yan. Some guys near by tried to pull them apart but there was no stopping them. As Yan turned around to face the rest of us we were shockingly greeted by two large, rather beaten breasts! Yep you read that right, her boobs had fallen out of her dress. As she drunkenly swayed, she stuffed them back in and continued to fight. The bus finally pulled over and the commotion settled. As the driver made his way to the back of the bus, Yan, with just one boob out this time, grabbed her bags and declared that she was vacating. Again she elegantly put her right boob back in its place, grabbed the bottle of plonk and made her way to the bus stop situated just outside of Manchester city centre. They must have been heading to the city for a night out with friends or something, least she didn’t have far to go. Hulk, opened a fresh tinny and sank back in to her seat.
In Manchester as we waited for the new passengers to finish boarding, we realised that Hulk was still with us. She wasn’t terminating here but carrying on to Holyhead and I’m guessing the ferry to Ireland…without Yan. So Yan was stuck on the out skirts of Manchester, over 2 hours away from the ferry port, on her own. I’m sure that when the alcohol wore off and the bruises took hold she would definitely be regretting leaving the coach. When the bus engine came back to life after it’s brief rest, everyone took their places and attempted to get “comfortable” to catch a couple of hours sleep before the early morning ferry. Hulk re-boarded the bus and to my shock she was carrying ANOTHER box of cider. Why on earth would she feel the need for more booze, and she was drinking alone this time. Me and Nick prayed that she would just fall into a sleepy boozy state for the rest of the journey.
“MMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA” “AAAAHHHHHHH” *chewbacca noises*
we were all awoken by what I can only describe as a wookiee being strangled, and the unfortunate sound of cans being crushed and thrown around. I slowly looked around to the rear of the sauna mobile to see these two legs on the floor between the chairs. They were flailing around and by the sounds of it, the rest of her body was doing the same. She was wearing a green mini dress, and all the writhing around on the floor had caused her drunken arse to escape the hem line. Boobs and bum in one coach journey, what a treat ay! ha ha. All the booze had caused her to turn into this monster, in to…the hulk. A girl seated near by to her, just leaned in and said “You’re a disgrace” Everyone was sick of her antics and was just desperate for this journey to be over. She continued to moan, drink and fall around on the floor until we got to our final destination.
I quickly packed up my belongs and got off the bus as soon as I could. I was met by the cool welsh air, which was such a relief from the stuffy heat. As I went to check us in for the ferry, Nick hung around outside the coach to see what would happen to the hulk. Would she have to be carried off? Would the police turn up? Would she hulk smash her way through the side of the coach? No, weirdly she just casually walked off like nothing had happened. Her dress was back in its place, her bags on her back, she just wandered off care free in the opposite direction to the ferry port.
Where the hell was she going? I do hope Yan and Hulk found each other again.
I know it sounds like I have made all this up. How can all this happen in just one coach journey?!? I can assure you that these events did actually take place on our journey. Why not give it a go…take one long megabus journey and see what stories unfold. hehe.
After a quick freshen up, teeth cleaned and hair brushed we were ready for the next leg of our journey.
…to be continued